semi-silent drive
the violent, metallic rattle of the front passenger mud guard laid a beautifully contrasting bass line for the drunken moans and desperate pleas in my head.
i had previously held Her close: a quick embrace after a tedious day of study. She entered Her car, put on Her seat belt, turned the key, brushed a stray hair out of Her intelligent eyes, and sped off. i saw none of this. it had already begun.
i heard a dull clink as my psyche removed the massive reel from its case and dropped it into place on the projector. my eyes were flooded with a white light. the film skipped the previews and opening credits completely, heading straight into the feature presentation. i saw Her and Her lover, lying together. i was silently sobbing on the other end of the telephone. the reel was replaced by another.
clink. flood. skip. skip. She and i had just spent a perfect night together. She coyly smiled as She left our house. the scene changed. She decided to join some friends of Hers, and they began to dance. the dancing lead to chilling. the chilling led to drinking. the drinking led to drinking. the drinking led to drinking. the drinking let to a car ride. the car ride lead home. whose home it was, i donā€™t know, and i donā€™t think She did either; however, She seemed to be enjoying it.
clink. flood. skip. skip. this movie looked the same. however, there was only one drink. it lead to a secretly dissolved tablet. the tablet lead to unconsciousness. the unconsciousness lead to out back, near the dumpster. the dumpster lead to consciousness. the consciousness lead to pain. the pain lead to pleas. the pleas lead to pain. the pain lead to pain. the pain lead to pain. the pain lead to nights curled up in the icy showers of cheap motels.
clink. flood. skip. skip. they kept getting worse and worse. She was driving with a former love. it drove Her to climax.
clink. flood. skip. skip. She began riding all the boys who offered.
clink. flood. skip. skip. She got stoned and decided to go for a swim.a
clink. flood. skip. skip.
clink. flood. skip. skip.
clink. flood. skip. skip.
i do not understand this. why am i so afraid?
it must be because She is what i want. iā€™ve realized that i never get what i really want. i fully realize that She would never do something like that to me, because She loves me. She tells me this every day. it again leads me to question my own mind, my subconscious self.
i continue to drive semi-silently. huge chunks of cloud and sky fall from the trees. they litter the road and cause me to swerve. they land on my car, denting it all to hell. they fall on the hood, crushing my feet between the metal of the car and the power of the earth. the vehicle slowly rips apart. i continue home.
She canā€™t know the pain these thoughts of fear evoke in myself. She never will know, either. i sadly cannot express these fears and emotions that run like rivers under my skin and beneath my subconscious.
perhaps She believes this as a sign of mistrust. She looks into my soul (as far as She can clearly see with Her glasses on) and realizes that all my fears are forms of dishonesty and deceit.
perhaps i am forcing such visions upon myself to create a wall of insecurity in a vain effort to draw in more affection and love from Her.
perhaps i am right. i shuddered at the thought.
i got out of the nothing that was left of my car, walked upstairs, and began to write.