It isn't that I'm suicidal or anything, but sometimes I am scared of what I might do. As I walk along an 11th floor suspended hallway, I must always think to myself, "Don't jump off. Don't jump off. Don't jump off."
I'm afraid my impulses might take over one day. Yesterday, my family and I were walking along the river and I was carrying our $900 USD camera. I had to tell myself not to throw it into the water. I finally just handed it to my mom.
When I was younger, I used to lie awake at night, chewing a hole in my inner cheek, just to see how much flesh I could fully close my jaw on. I like to think I've gotten better since then.
I still do little stupid things to hurt myself, but it isn't as bad as when I was younger. It is just that I sit on the couch, thinking: "I could walk upstairs to where the guns are kept, load one, and put two in my head right now. I really could. No one could stop me." Sometimes I even stand up and head that way, but I always stop. Well, I have always stopped, anyways.
I guess my worst fear isn't jumping off the 11th floor railing, embracing the air, and painting the lobby with my being. It is simply the fact that I will hit the ground.